emotional vomit

shut-up heart. you don't know anything.

tender mercies

overall, this day has been productive and enlightening. today Livvy caught on to eating solid pieces of food! yay! so we sat on the couch and munched on some banana puffs together. sometimes it just feels good to sit next to her and not say anything. our spirits communicate on an unbelievable level. i adore her. and she is growing so so fast! i wish i could slow time and keep her my baby forever...i also did my visiting teaching for the month, and it was my turn for the lesson. i never like choosing articles from the ensign, as it seems so cliche and overdone. so i try and find something that i've been reading, or something i've been wanting to read. today, i used the speech my mother had given me on "becoming and overcoming". one of the points i had highlighted talked about how we can help others because we have trials. if we never experienced anything awful, we couldn't put our arms around those who were going through the exact same and truthfully say "I KNOW how it feels." we really do have to go through pain in order to understand that of others. another section i mark talked about not forgetting the times the Lord has come through for us in the past. not only did it hit a heart string for the woman i was visiting, (it brought tears to her eyes reminding her of a very special moment she too often forgot) but it is also one i definitely need to work on. i'm always so caught up in the moment that i tend to forget everything good and everything that has helped me grow to the point where i can HANDLE what is thrown at me now. i know He is always there for me. and i had a special reminder just this evening. i had been to the gym to work out some of my current frustrations and anxieties, and was stopping at the store to pick up some last minute ingredients for dinner. on the way out, the sun started peeking through the dark clouds on the horizon...and i knew God was watching over me. i knew HE knew my life was filled with a lot of "storm clouds" right now, and that i needed that little bit of sunshine to give me hope for a brighter day. it gives me peace to know the Lord is so tender a Father that he finds ways to show us each individually that He IS aware. like my ray of sunshine. i know it was for me. and i am grateful.

hope

tonight i was alone. alone to think. alone to work. alone to do as i pleased. in a way it was a welcome break from the cares of being a mother, but it was also unexpectedly lonely. i worked on some projects i haven't had time to pick up in a while, and while i did so i watched the movie "The Young Victoria". it made me cry. so many tears. Albert and Victoria were so incredibly dedicated and devoted to one another! in every circumstance. why, you ask, would i watch a love story when my marriage is so rocky and unsure? of course i knew it would make me cry. but love stories give me hope. hope for a brighter future and lasting love and companionship. i don't believe in fairy tales. not because they don't exist, but because i don't know them by such terms. fairy tales originated from something more than imagination. something deeper. i believe they came from hearts in love. hearts that had experienced such bliss and devotion. president Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke on "happily ever afters" this past general conference. he mentioned how every fairy tale character has challenges and trials they must overcome before they ultimately reach this "impossible" end. so my marriage is rocky... and i watch love stories. they're real to me. real enough i know i can have one of my own. i just need to overcome my own personal "dragons" and "witches". and then i will find my own happily ever after.

realizations

i have been through hell...but until now have only thought of myself. i didn't realize what the effects of all of the fighting and bitterness in my marriage were doing to my precious child. i finished reading a magnificent book last night. all about forgiveness and turning things over to the Lord. "The Peacegiver" helped me see myself and my marriage for what it REALLY is. my marriage is not a sham. it never was. it started out wonderfully, but has become something toxic ONLY because BOTH parties were unwilling to forgive at various times throughout the years. and we've held onto that. and now brought our daughter into it. the story written is of a man and his wife that have become somewhat estranged due to lack of compassion or empathy for the other. they have 4 children together, 2 boys and 2 girls. in this story, the man has a dream. in that dream his grandfather comes to him and tells him how things are being damaged by all of the unforgiven misdeeds. he explains to his grandson that every time his children come running into his arms after work, not only is it because they love him, but because they are afraid and are in essence "holding on to him" because they sense the precarious situation he is in with his wife and their mother...after reading that, i thought to myself, "my Livvy has become this way." and she has! she has become clingy and cries often when i leave the room even for just a few moments. she has become insecure in HER situation! and she's only 6 months old. thinking of this brought tears to my eyes and made me realize how selfish i had been in choosing to be angry with my spouse. he may upset me, and he may hurt me...but i can CHOOSE whether or not i'm going to hang on to that negativity and let it affect my sweet innocent baby. she didn't do anything wrong, so why punish her with harboring negative emotions? i am grateful for this truly freeing realization.

resolutions

"It is not unreasonable to state, in fact, that the single most important requirement for our emotional health and happiness is to feel loved. Our souls require feeling loved in just as real a way as our bodies require air and food." -Greg Baer, author of Real Love

And certain people think i'm crazy.

love?

every little girl dreams of her wedding day. the flowers, the family, the friendship, the feeling. in my head, mine was to be the most "romantical" of all...and that day came. but not like i had planned. i was married in my in-laws living room. there was only one flower: a simple daisy. only half of my family was there, with my best friend sitting beside them. but the feeling was there. the FEELING was there. as i stood there and said "i do", i felt on top of the world. i was marrying my best friend. the man i had fallen in love with. the man i felt safe with. it was so wonderful to wake up to him every morning and fall asleep to the lullaby of his steady breathing every night. i had never met anyone like him, and i felt lucky that such a love could exist...and now i doubt that same existence. i now wake up wondering if the man in my life is going to love me, in spite of all my flaws and character weaknesses (which are many). i know i am not perfect and have done a lot of things that require forgiveness...but i wonder whether i can make mistakes and be forgiven. and i definitely never thought i would hear the words "i don't know if i want you anymore". how can a person not know if they want their spouse? it doesn't make sense to me. it never has and never will. there just isn't room in my head or my heart for the kind of un-happiness i'm currently experiencing. i have become so cynical of everything to do with "love" that i feel i'm losing a part of me. when once i would have rejoiced at the words "happily-ever-after", i now can't help but hear "crappily-ever-after". ugh. my thoughts are jumbled. my heart is breaking. what ever happened to TRUE love?